Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Alfred, Bring the Car Around

So, after having spent most of last night up to my ears in laundry, I have decided to get on the bandwagon of searching for a butler. The idea was first brandied about earlier this week by Ol' Army's very own Kyle Newcomer, who's blog I've added a link to on the left. Now, I don't know Kyle all that well, but we share many mutual friends and have shared an evening or two with a few pints and those friends. But on to my point, which may turn into a rehash of Kyle, but with a few things added or subtracted, we shall see.

If I had a butler, I do believe I would have a lot more free time to waste watching movies, NASCAR, baseball, and traveling. Heck, I wouldn't even have to drive! Not only that, I'd have a means of seeing my laundry done regularly without any hassle on my part to get it done. This in and of itself is reason enough to get a butler. No more ironing, worrying about burning clothes because of the setting not being the same on the clothes and the iron, despite both being "medium" or "low." Freshly, pressed and hanging for me to choose from my wardrobe.

With the butler comes the automatic upgrade out of the aprtment I currently sleep in, to a nice manor in the Victorian style, possibly with my own secret super hero "batcave" or "fortress of solitude" (and yes I know the fortress of solitude in Superman mythos is an ice cave at the south pole). This in turn means a nice Bentley to be driven around in, may I suggest a straight 8-cylinder classic look.

With said manor, comes the automatic upgrade to handsome, rich guy. No matter how but ugly a man is, money makes him attractive because "chicks dig the car." Amazingly turning my life into one of hobnobbing with wealthy philanthropists and heads of state. Such gala events would provide excellent date settings, especially if we're talking big bands and lot's of dancing, slow dancing, where while dancing one can carry on a conversation with one's dance partner.

After such events, I would be obliged to bring said lady back to the manor for wine by the fire place, perhaps more conversation, or just watching a movie, wait back up, let's make that just watching the stars in the observatory of said manor. Then I could send her home with a ride in the Bentley, while I go to sleep soundly in a nice comfy bed, with goose down pillows and comforter.

So you see, a butler means instant upgrade. Fame, fortune....wait a minute, I really don't want those. Ok so there is a snag in the plan, but it's in its infancy. It can be modified. Besides, the butler gets rid of pressure to find a wife to cook and clean and pretty much keep things from getting too manish around the manor. Of course, it also rules out the companionship which a woman can provide to her husband. Of course, with things the way they are right now and with little to no prospects on the horizon (of course I am usually blind to them do to my own foolish nature at times), a butler may be good for the short term and if I want to keep him around after any wedding, well...the wife can always hire a maid, unless she brings one with her and it's not the mother-in-law. Dang, this is more complicated than I thought.

Well, obviously I need better planning. So until next time remember that John Kerry being elected President is the worst thing that could happen since Greedo shooting first!

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